Planned Parenthood

Someone asked us:

You guys talk a lot about how to talk about having an STD  — and a lot of the time you say that STDs aren’t a big deal and people shouldn’t get upset. But what if you tell your bf/gf you have an STD and they freak out? Some people are really judgmental about STDs.

As much as we’d love everyone to have calm, respectful conversations about STDs, it’s true that some people don’t take this kind of news well. And that’s unfortunate, because talking with a partner about having an STD is a very caring, responsible thing to do.

You can’t control people’s reactions to things, but there are things you can say to help calm them down so you can talk about how to continue the relationship in a happy and healthy way.

One of the common reasons people might get upset is because they don’t have enough information about an STD, or they have incorrect ideas about what it means to have an STD. For example, most people don’t realize that STDs are SOOOO common, and most of us will get one at some point in our lives. STDs can happen to anyone who has any kind of sexual contact, whether you’ve had 1 partner or 100. It doesn’t mean you’re “dirty,” or a bad person, or that you’ve “slept around.”

Many STDs are totally curable and not a big deal at all if you get them treated right away. STDs that aren’t curable can be treated and managed with medicine, and there are ways to help avoid spreading them to other people. People with STDs can have relationships and live totally normal lives.

Some people may get upset because they think having an STD means someone cheated, but that’s not always true. A lot of STDs don’t show symptoms, so you can have an infection for a long time without realizing it (this is why STD testing is so important).

So if your partner gets upset, you can start by asking them what they know about the STD, and then give them the  facts. You can also suggest going to a Planned Parenthood health center together, so you can talk with a nurse or doctor about what having the STD means, and how you can both stay healthy.

Even if your partner is upset at first, they may just need some time to calm down. You can say something like, “I know this might be hard to hear, so it’s okay if you need some space to think about it. But I want you to know I really like you, and I told you about this because I trust you, I care about you, and I want us to be able to be together and stay healthy.”

It’s not always easy to talk about STDs, but it’s the right thing to do for yourself and for your partner. If your partner really can’t deal with you having an STD, it may be a sign that they’re not right for you. Sometimes that can really hurt, but know that those crappy feelings will pass in time. There are millions of people living with STDs, and plenty of them are in loving relationships.

Sometimes people are afraid their partner will hurt them if they tell them they have an STD. If that’s the case, you can tell them in a public place, or through an e-mail, text, or phone call. Call 1-800-799-SAFE or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website for help if you think you may be in danger.

Check out our video series to get more tips on talking about STDs and safer sex.

-Kendall at Planned Parenthood