Planned Parenthood

Someone asked us: 

My new girlfriend told me she has genital herpes. I’m really scared of getting an STD and I’m not sure I want to date someone who has one, but I like her soooo much and I don’t want to hurt her. What do I say?

It’s okay to be worried about STDs, but your girlfriend’s herpes status doesn’t mean y’all can’t be together, or that you’ll definitely get it if you have sex. Medicines and safer sex can prevent the spread of herpes and keep both you and your girlfriend healthy. People with herpes can have sex, be in relationships, and live totally normal lives.

In reality, genital herpes, like oral herpes (AKA cold sores), is a skin condition that’s generally totally harmless. Unfortunately, there can be a lot of harmful shame and stigma around STDs, so try to keep in mind that this was probably a really hard thing for your girlfriend to tell you. And remember that she told you about it because she cares about you. She’s being responsible by talking about it so you can both protect your health.

So the best way to handle getting this kind of news is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes: how would you want someone to react if you told them you had an STD?

Here are a few things you can say:

• Thank you for telling me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, and I really appreciate your honesty.
  
• This is kinda hard for me to hear right now, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you.
  
• Don’t worry, I still really like you. 
  
• Will you tell me more about what living with herpes is like?
  
• I might need a little bit of time to process this. But that doesn’t mean I’m mad at you.
  
• Can we go to a Planned Parenthood health center together and talk to a doctor or nurse? I want to know more about what it means to have herpes, and how I can avoid getting it.
  

It can be a little bit of a shock when someone tells you they have an STD, but you’re definitely not alone in this situation. About 1 in 6 people are living with genital herpes, so having this conversation is a fact of life for many. And most people with herpes don’t even know they have it. Since you know your girlfriend’s status, you can talk with each other and a nurse or doctor about ways to protect yourself.

Check out our video series to get more tips on talking about STDs and safer sex.

-Kendall at Planned Parenthood