What if I don’t want to tell my partner I was raped?
Someone asked us:
Is it okay if I never want to tell future partners that I’m a rape survivor? I’ve told a few people and I just really don’t feel like I want anyone else to know. I don’t want to disclose it in future relationships, even if I plan on being with that person for the rest of my life. But I feel guilty about that, because I feel like I’m supposed to tell them eventually. I’m a trans man and I feel like I could probably just pass off my sex repulsion as dysphoria. But I feel like maybe that’s wrong.
Yes, it’s OK. Deciding who to share your story with is completely up to you. There’s no rule in relationships that says you must disclose 100% of your traumas. You didn’t get to decide that this happened to you, but you do get to decide who you tell.
Talking about trauma isn’t the same for everyone. Many people find it helps them heal. Others say it can feel like the trauma is happening all over again. You never have to talk about it again unless it helps. And it’s never OK for someone to pressure you into talking about it if you don’t want to.
Relationships do tend to benefit from honesty and openness. But the best relationships also start with respect for each other’s bodily autonomy. It’s okay to not want to have sex. The decision to have sex is only yours — always. Finding someone who’s OK with your boundaries about sex is a good place to start no matter what.
-Emily at Planned Parenthood