hi!! this is a bit embarrassing to ask, but i figured if anyone knew it would be y’all. when i masturbate (me and my bf are long distance, and we sext of sorts), i get super super turned on, but i can never actually orgasm. is that a biological issue?? or is that something many afab people go through?
Sometimes orgasms come quickly and easily. And sometimes you might need more time or a very specific type of stimulation. Having and not having orgasms are both normal. Many things can impact your ability to have an orgasm, including:
hormones
your physical or mental health and emotions
past experiences
your beliefs and lifestyle
relationships
taking certain medicines
using alcohol or drugs
Everyone’s body is different, and there’s no one “right” way to have an orgasm. And you don’t have to have an orgasm every time you masturbate or have sex. So try not to put any pressure on yourself to have an orgasm. In fact, putting a lot of pressure on having an orgasm can make you anxious, which can make masturbation and sex stressful and less enjoyable. Not everybody has orgasms while masturbating. Or sometimes the circumstances just aren’t right (you’re nervous, tired, or distracted for example).
Experimenting with what feels good can help you get to know your body and what sexually excites you. You can try exploring entertainment that brings you sexual pleasure, using sex toys, water- or silicone-based lubricants, , reducing stress to improve your mood, limiting or cutting-out alcohol and drugs, and exercising regularly.
The most important thing to remember is that orgasms happen … and sometimes they don’t. Remember to make pleasure, not orgasms, the end goal.
An orgasm is when your body releases tension that builds up from feeling sexual pleasure. An orgasm can make you feel good and can even lower your levels of stress.
But feeling so much pressure to have an orgasm during sex that you need to fake it? That’s not fair to you.
Sex without having an orgasm can be pleasurable and fully worthwhile. Not everyone experiences orgasms or has an orgasm every time they have sex.
You deserve the space to ask for what you need in order to have an orgasm. Same goes for being able to say, “I’m not going to have an orgasm right now,” and not feel like you’re majorly letting your partner down.
If you want to have more orgasms during sex — and there really is no shortcut here — you need to tell your partner exactly what you need in order to do that. Yes, with your words. When something feels good, say it. When something feels meh, think of how it could be better, and say that. And if you want to stop before you have an orgasm? That’s totally fine, too!
Your partner is (probably) not a mind reader. It may be a big relief for them to not have to guess what you want.
It’s normal for orgasms to come on quickly, or for them to reeeeaaaaalllllllyyyyyyy take their time.
A lot of people with vulvas only have orgasms from clitoral stimulation — and that’s perfectly OK. Same goes for if you only enjoy vaginal or anal stimulation.
Don’t know what you want? Masturbating is one way to figure out where and how you like to be touched.
It’s your body, and its pleasure is for you.
One more thing: if your partner pressures you, or doesn’t want to talk about how you feel or what you want, it may be a sign that you’re in an unhealthy relationship. If you’re faking orgasms because you don’t feel safe, you’re not alone, and help is available. You deserve sex and relationships that make you feel safe, healthy, and happy.
Orgasms are healthy! They can help relieve stress, boost your confidence, and even ease period cramps. But what do they FEEL like? Well, it’s different for everyone. How would you describe an orgasm?
This, to me, is the place where transphobia and misogyny meet, where the repression and rejection of trans women’s sexuality speaks to the rejection of all women’s sexuality. The punishing idea that in order to “become real women,” trans women should give up their erotic potential comes from the same place that the orgasm gap between men and women does: the hatred of the concept that women — any women — could and should actually enjoy having sex.
Is it sad if I’m a 16 y/o girl but have never orgasmed? :/
There’s nothing sad about that. But if it makes you feel “:/” to ask that question that tells me YOU’RE feeling sad or weird or something about it, so let’s talk about it.
At 16, it’s normal to be figuring out what you like and don’t like when it comes to sex and masturbation. So if you’re :/ about never having an orgasm because you think it’s not normal, then please rest assured that you’re definitely not the only 16-year-old who hasn’t had one yet — far from it.
If you’re having some orgasm FOMO, here’s my advice: Take your time and don’t sweat it too much. Putting pressure on yourself is going to make it harder to have an orgasm. Masturbate if you like doing that even if you’re not having orgasms. Enjoy being in your body and learning about what feels good what doesn’t, and don’t worry about what’s “supposed” to happen.
And if you haven’t orgasmed because you haven’t been doing anything sexual, and THAT’S what you feel weird about — you’re still totally ok and normal. The average age that people have sex for the first time is 18 — so waiting to have sex until you’re older is actually really common. There’s a lot more to life than orgasms.
I’ve been having some pretty bad cramps and I was wondering if you had any tips to help make them less severe or go away entirely?
Ah, cramps. They’re the worst, aren’t they? Thankfully lots of things have been shown to relieve pain from menstrual cramps. I present to you a list of pain relieving activities, in no particular order.
1. Rest
Pull out the sweatpants, lay down, and binge watch your favorite show between naps. You can also try a heating pad or hot bath.
2. Take an over-the-counter pain reliever
Ok, so maybe downing a couple of pills isn’t as much fun as some of these other options, but it works. Just make sure to follow the instructions on the recommended dosage.
3. Exercise
I salute anyone who’s willing to work out when feeling the pangs of a vengeful uterus, but it really can work wonders. Even simple exercises (like stretching or yoga) may help.
4. Birth Control
For many people, hormonal birth control (like the IUD, implant, shot, pill, patch or ring) can also lessen the symptoms of painful periods. Talk to your nurse or doctor or contact your local Planned Parenthood health center to find a method that will bail you out of your period pain.
5. Orgasm
The big O is an excellent pain reliever. So go to town to calm it down. Go to bed for cousin red. (OK, I’ll stop.) Just don’t forget to use protection, like birth control, condoms, and dams, if you want to bring a friend along with you.
