Planned Parenthood

It’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and here at Planned Parenthood we’re thinking about FRIES — and not just because we need a snack. FRIES is a handy acronym we use to explain what sexual consent means. Consent is:

• Freely given

• Reversible

• Informed

• Enthusiastic 

• Specific

Let’s focus on the F in fries. The “freely given” part of consent means that when you say yes to something sexual, you’re doing so without being pressured, coerced, or forced.

Pressure could mean your partner tricking you into feeling like you have to have sex with them, begging you to do something you don’t want to do, or saying something like, “If you love me, you’ll have sex with me.” Or it could be more obvious, like using physical violence, force, blackmail, or even hurtful words to get you to do what they want. But there’s another kind of pressure that can make it feel hard to freely give or withdraw consent — when one person has more power than the other person in a relationship.

When one partner has more power and control, the other person may not feel comfortable saying no or feel like they have to say yes. In order for their to be consent, both people should feel like they have the power to decide what they want to do sexually, free of control or pressure.

Here are some examples of differences in power that can make it hard for someone to freely give consent:

• If you’re way older than your partner

• If you’re their teacher, professor, teaching assistant, or have any influence on their ability to succeed at school

• If you’re their boss, client, or in a senior position to them at work

• If you’re able to use your power to influence their ability to get a job or not (think Harvey Weinstein)

• If you support them financially, and you use that power to get them to do what you want

If you use your power to pressure someone to do something, you could be hurting them, and you might also be breaking the law or the policy in your school or workplace. In order for there to be consent, the other person has to be comfortable saying no, without fear, force, or pressure.

If you’re in a relationship where you partner has more power, it might help to talk with someone you trust. (If you’re a minor, that should really be an adult you trust, like your parents, the staff at your nearest Planned Parenthood health center, or our friends at Love Is Respect.) Not every relationship with a difference in power is dangerous. Some flags that someone is using their power in a dangerous way include your partner wanting you to keep your relationship with them a secret, your partner making a lot of demands of you, or if your partner doesn’t seem to respect you. You deserve to be with someone who treats you like an equal.

Now go get some french fries… if you want.

-Emily at Planned Parenthood